Ten Year Anniversary

Ten years ago I finally discovered the cause (or result) of nine years of pain and confusion. Ten years ago I confronted a life-threatening disease, an extensive, complicated surgery, and began the recovery process. I take this opportunity to share what has become for me a profound experience of the presence of God.

When I left First Church in 1989 I had my first biopsy on my tongue because there was a mysterious white spot on the tongue. A yeast infection was the only finding from the biopsy. Over the years the white spot became an open sore. I experienced more and more discomfort throughout the day, especially when talking. By the end of the day I was ready for pain medicine and no more talking!

I saw several specialists during those years. A quick diagnosis and treatment, in each case, did not resolve the issue. The physicians would each finally throw up their hands and say, 'I don't know what this is and why we can't cure it.' Then I would go home and later find another specialist who would diagnose and treat and then give up.

In April of 1997 I finally was scheduled to have another biopsy with a new physician. His plan was to slice the affected tongue tissue, send it to the lab, and keep slicing until the diagnosis could be clear. The plan was for reconstruction of my tongue (for speech) to be done at a later date, after i had recovered from the exploratory surgery.

In the meantime my dentist had been looking for answers to questions about what was happening in my mouth. She went to a seminar and saw 'slides that looked just like your tongue!' She called me on the same day that I made the appointment for the next biopsy. She said, 'I want you to go to Baylor Dental School in Dallas. They open their clinic each Tuesday for anyone who needs help. They are waiting for you to call and they have been very open and kind.'

I chose at that point to call Baylor and to cancel the local biopsy. So, the next Tuesday I flew up to Dallas alone. I showed up at Baylor Dental School and was taken to a large room filled with dental chairs. I say in a dental chair and waited. A young student came to examine my mouth. He asked if I could wait a moment while he found his professor. The professor came over to my chair, asked me to open my mouth, looked inside, and then said,"you have cancer. I'd like to do another biopsy as soon as possible, after I have gone to a mandatory meeting. If you could come back here at 1 p.m. I'll do the biopsy. In the meantime I will call the best head and neck oncology surgeon that I know. I will see if he can make time to see you today. I would take any of my family members to him or myself if I were diagnosed with cancer of the tongue. Please come back here at 1 p.m.'”

I was mostly relieved that someone had a definitive diagnosis! At some level I could tell I was moving into a different mode of being and responding. I wasn't anxious. I felt that my job was to remain calm and open to the next steps in this very interesting experience. I found the cafeteria, tried to eat some food but mostly couldn't because of the open sore on my tongue reacting to food.

Then at 1 p.m. I returned to the clinic. The professor prepped me for the biopsy and reported, “I called the head and neck oncology surgeon. It is his day off and he was at home. He said that he would meet you in his office which is in north Dallas. I told him I would send you over in a cab and that he would be waiting for you.” My only job was to say thank you and to be open to the next step.

When I got to the head and neck oncology surgeon's office he asked me to open my mouth. He looked in and said, 'you have cancer and we need to do something quickly. What kind of insurance do you have? I'd like you to go back to Austin, work out the insurance situation and I'll see you next Tuesday here in Dallas for surgery. If you have trouble with your insurance company, let them call me and I'll talk about the 8 years of biopsies and treatments that have not resolved the issue. This tumor may not have been there to begin with but it developed over the years of the tongue being irritated.'

I listed the events that I was responsible for in the upcoming month. He quickly said, 'you need to be here, having surgery. That's your most important job now.' My step-son's graduation and wedding, leading the Board of Ordained Ministry meeting at annual conference in June...all else became secondary.

While I was talking to the physician the phone rang. He began talking to his colleague, a plastic surgeon. I heard him say, 'I have a woman here from Austin. She has cancer of the tongue and we need to do a '???????????? flap'....If I put her in a cab and send her over to your office can you see her now?' Why be surprised that the plastic surgeon said, 'send her over and I'll make room for her.'

So, into another Dallas cab, over to a different medical office building attached to another hospital. And another consultation with a new physician. He explained that he would come in after the tumor had been removed and do reconstruction, using skin and muscle material and blood vessels from my wrist to reconstruct my tongue so that I could talk. The skin on the wrist would be replaced by skin from my leg. The big concern would be that the blood flow happen in the newly constructed tongue. There would also be surgery to remove all the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck, to test whether they were already affected by the cancer and hopefully to prevent the spread of the cancer to the rest of my body. The plastic surgeon would attempt to close up the incision so that the scar would not be too noticeable.

Then, it was time to return to Austin. I had homework to be done and knew I would be returning for surgery as soon as possible. As I got in the last cab of the day I discovered the same driver who had taken me from the airport to Baylor Dental School! When he heard the day's story he said, 'please don't pay for this ride. It is my honor to take you back to the airport and send you home with God's blessing.'

The day had unfolded gently with great generosity and hospitality. People had changed their schedules to respond to my needs. All I had done was stay open to the 'next thing' that would appear and say 'yes' On that Tuesday in May, 1997, I experienced the presence of God without question. And for that I continue to be grateful. I also began the journey that would take me through a 9+ hour operation and a very long recovery. My speech is forever different. I am convinced that the rest of my life is all about going toward God and living life fully. Ten years seems like a very long time and it is. I am mostly grateful for each moment that has followed the professor's statement, 'you have cancer of the tongue.' His diagnosis was just a major turn on the journey that continues today.

The fact that John McMullen had asked me to return to First Church the month before and was willing for me to return 'as I was able' following the surgery is part of another section of the journey. I thank God for you all allowing me to continue in ministry as I recovered and found my new voice/speech!